


Not a Victory March

by chellefic



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Aliens Make Them Do It, F/M, First Time, Group Sex, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-27
Updated: 2010-01-27
Packaged: 2017-10-29 10:32:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/318939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chellefic/pseuds/chellefic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A mission forces Rodney to re-examine his feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not a Victory March

_Soft, generous lips against his. Easy, unhurried kisses. The sweet, slow burn of desire spreading through him._

A tongue pushing into his mouth, sliding along his own.

Pulling away, Rodney sat up.

"Rodney?" Jennifer asked, leaning up on one arm. She'd taken off her boots and jacket, but was otherwise still dressed. They'd been sitting on her bed, talking, which had led to kissing.

Rodney looked at the door. "I have to get back to the lab. I told Radek I'd keep an eye on the power simulation. Someone needs to check on it and he has a date, if you can believe it," Rodney said as he moved to the edge of the bed and stuffed his feet into his boots.

"What simulation?"

"Modifications to the power system, with that superconducting metal we found on PG6-553. Listen, the simulation really can't be left alone." He gestured in the direction of the door.

Rising from the bed, Jennifer stood in front of him. "Are you sure that's all it is?"

"Of course I'm sure." Forcing himself to look down at her, Rodney added, "I'm fine."

"I can come with you. Keep you company."

"I really have to focus."

Jennifer frowned. "All right."

"I'll see you tomorrow," Rodney said, pressing a quick kiss to her lips before hurrying toward her door.

The walk to his lab was a short one, mainly because Rodney could walk fast when he wanted to. Stepping into the empty room, he went straight to his laptop and booted it up. A simulation wasn't a bad idea. It would only take a few hours to program.

Rolling his shoulders, he set to work.

When thoughts of kisses threatened to push the equations aside, he shoved them away. But they lingered at the edges of his mind, with other, more dangerous thoughts lurking behind them. It took all his concentration, but Rodney kept them there.

***

John was in the mess when Rodney arrived, sitting alone in the corner in his sweats. For a moment, Rodney almost didn't join him.

"Hey," Rodney said, taking the seat opposite John's.

"Hey." John's plate was filled with eggs and a half eaten strip of bacon, but John had pushed his tray away and had his hands cupped around his coffee mug as if he'd finished eating.

Rodney tasted his own eggs. They were the same as always. "How was your run?"

"Good. We sprinted the last 100 meters."

We. So John had gone running with Ronon. That was good.

"You pulled an all nighter," John said. Somehow John could always tell. It was probably the circles under his eyes giving him away.

"Power simulation," Rodney said, putting down his fork and reaching for his coffee. He could understand why John hadn't finished the eggs.

"What for?"

"I'm thinking of using that metal we found on PG6-553 to improve the speed of the energy transfer from the naquada generators to the secondary systems."

"Good luck with that," John said, rising to his feet. "I've got to shower before my meeting with Lorne. Requisitions."

"Right, right, of course," Rodney said, looking up at him for a moment before looking away.

"I'll, um, see you later."

"Later," Rodney said. John walked away and Rodney reached for his coffee, taking a long drink. At the sound of the mess doors sliding open to let John out, Rodney released a long, relieved breath.

***

"This is stupid," Rodney said.

Williams merely looked at him. Williams was the second therapist they'd had since Kate and the most irritating. With Kate, Rodney had felt like he was talking to a person. With Williams, he was talking to a psychologist.

"I'm fine," Rodney said. "I don't need therapy."

"You went through a traumatic experience and Mr. Woolsey believes--"

"I know what Woolsey believes, but he's wrong. I'm not traumatized. I don't need therapy."

"Why don't you sit down and tell me why he's wrong," Williams suggested, gesturing at the chair in front of him.

"I like standing," Rodney said from his place by the window.

"All right. So why don't you need to talk to me?"

It was a trick. Rodney knew it was a trick. He glared at Williams, who even after two months still couldn't seem to get his uniform to fit right. With his brown hair and glasses, he looked like Daniel Jackson's less attractive younger brother. "I don't need to talk to you because I am perfectly fine. Not traumatized. Not hurt. Not anything painful, negative or unpleasant."

"And the rest of your team?"

Rodney lifted his chin. "They're fine, too."

"You're certain of this?"

Of course he was certain. He hadn't seen Teyla since the post-mission exam in the infirmary, but John seemed fine and he and Ronon had gone running so Ronon must be fine. "Yes."

"And you'll all be able to go back into the field without any problems, tensions?"

"We're professionals."

"Your feelings toward your teammates haven't changed then?"

 _Lips brushing his ear. "Rodney," whispered so softly he almost couldn't hear it._

 _  
_Warm skin beneath his hands, the need to caress, to give pleasure, slowing his touch._   
_

"No," Rodney said, folding his arms across his chest. "My feelings toward my teammates haven't changed."

"You're sure of that?"

"Yes." His feelings hadn't changed. They were the same as they'd been before PV4-927. The same as they'd been on PV4-927.

"Would you like to talk about something else?" Williams asked closing the little notebook he always had open on his lap, but never seemed to write in.

"Such as?"

"Dr. Keller."

"What about her?"

"How is she taking all of this?"

"She's fine."

"So it hasn't affected your relationship."

If Kate had still been alive, if she'd been sitting there looking up at him with her understanding gaze, Rodney might've dropped into a chair, might've told her about leaving Jennifer to hide in his lab, about being grateful when John left the mess. But Kate wasn't there. "No, it hasn't," Rodney said.

***

Rodney was on his way back to his lab when he saw Teyla coming down the hall. For a wild, crazy moment he thought about ducking into the supply closet until she'd passed. "Hi," he said, waving.

Teyla stopped about a foot away. "Hello, Rodney."

"On your way to see Williams?"

"Yes."

"It's stupid, Woolsey making us see a shrink. It's not like anything bad happened," Rodney said, hoping he didn't sound as desperate to her as he did to himself.

"But it has complicated things," Teyla said.

Probably more for Teyla than for anyone else. Rodney could only imagine how he'd feel in Kanaan's place. "Things are okay for you, though. With Kanaan."

The smile she gave him was a pale imitation of her usual almost-Mary-Tyler-Moore like smile and for the first time Rodney regretted what they'd done. "They will be," Teyla said. "I should get to my appointment."

Rodney stepped aside to let her by and she patted his arm as she walked past. He stared after her. When the door to Williams' office slid open, she glanced at him before stepping inside, but she was too far away for Rodney to see her expression, not that he'd have been able to read it anyway.

***

The door to his quarters slid shut and Rodney tossed the sandwich he'd snagged from the mess for dinner onto his desk and rubbed at his temples. John was right. He was too old to stay up all night without a good reason.

Not that he'd have been able to sleep anyway.

Picking up his water bottle from his desk, he carried it into the bathroom and emptied it into the sink, rinsing it before refilling it. Back in the main room, he pulled out his desk chair and sat.

He'd taken two bites when there was a knock at the door. Sighing, he put down his sandwich. "Come in."

"You weren't at dinner," Jennifer said as she stepped into the room.

Rodney held up his sandwich. "Thought I'd eat here and turn in early."

"Oh."

Guilt started twisting inside his stomach, threatening to make a nice big knot. Rodney rose and walked over to her. Putting his arms around her, he gave her a long hug, enjoying the feel of her in his arms, the vanilla-y smell of the lotion she put on every morning after her shower. "How was your day?"

"Okay. Yours?"

Rodney let her go. "Long. I worked late last night."

"I'm sorry," Jennifer said, looking up at him. "About last night. I shouldn't have pushed."

Kissing wasn't exactly pushing. Even if it was, Rodney was fine with being pushed because nothing was wrong. "You didn't. I just had the simulation to get to--"

"If you need time, I understand," Jennifer said as if he hadn't spoken.

"For the last time, nothing bad happened. Everything that happened on PV4-927 was consensual."

"You were drugged, Rodney. You can't consent when you're drugged."

"That depends on the drug," Rodney said, folding his arms across his chest and glaring at her.

"You can't tell me you would have had sex with your teammates without it," Jennifer answered, concern wrinkling her brow.

"No, probably not, but the drug didn't make me do anything. It just took away my reasons for not doing it." It had taken away all of their reasons. Rules, regulations, spouses, lovers, nothing had mattered except their feelings for one another. One of the first things Rodney had learned in Pegasus was that when you risked your life with someone on a regular basis, you tended to develop some pretty strong feelings for them.

"Is there a difference?" There was hurt hidden beneath the medical curiosity, Rodney could hear it in her voice.

Taking a few steps back, he sat on the end of his bed. "Yes, there is. If I'd been there with -- I don't know -- Kavanaugh, say, nothing would have happened. At least I don't think it would have. The drug couldn't make you want someone."

"It just took away your reasons for not acting on that want," Jennifer said.

Rodney nodded.

"Like me."

"You didn't disappear," Rodney said, looking down at the floor. She hadn't, but being faithful to Jennifer had seemed unimportant compared to everything else he'd been feeling. It took effort, but Rodney lifted his eyes from the floor to her face. "I'm sorry."

"It wasn't your fault," Jennifer said.

If Rodney had been half as brave as Jennifer thought he was, he'd have argued with her. But he wasn't and he didn't.

Jennifer cupped his face in her hands. "Promise me you'll get some sleep."

"I will."

"Good." Jennifer kissed him softly, then turned to go. "Good-night."

"Good-night, Jenn."

The door slid shut behind her and Rodney dropped back onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling. He'd hurt her. She was the best thing that had ever happened to him and he'd hurt her. Teyla had hurt Kanaan. Ronon had probably hurt Amelia. All because some damned Ancient had decided to fuck around with people's inhibitions. No wonder he'd had to set up shop on PV4-927. The other Ancients had probably chased him off Atlantis.

The fact that the lab had had a great big bed in it should've been his first clue. But Rodney had booted up the power system anyway, started poking through files looking for data.

John had come up behind him, had stood looking over Rodney's shoulder. Rodney was certain he did it just to be annoying. Rodney had ignored him until John had placed a hand on his waist, then he'd leaned back and breathed in the familiar scent, woody aftershave, hints of gun oil and something else, something that was pure John Sheppard.

Rodney had closed his eyes and John had tucked his face in next to Rodney's. John's cock had already been hard, but not even the feel of it pressing against his ass had been enough to make Rodney pull away.

The tension had seemed to build with every breath. Rodney had vague memories of hearing a woman's soft moan, of thinking 'Teyla,' but he hadn't moved until John's hand had slid across his belly, warm and surprisingly large. Rodney had turned toward him then.

Turned and lifted his mouth to John's.

"Christ," Rodney said and rolled to the side of the bed, pushing himself to his feet. He had to stop this. It was over and done and remembering wasn't going to help anyone, least of all him.

He took a long shower, carefully ignoring his cock until it was time to wash it. He ate the rest of his sandwich while reading his email and crawled into his bed too tired to think. Or remember.

***

"There is nothing wrong with the simulation," Rodney said, speaking loudly because something seemed to be plugging Radek's ears.

"Look," Radek said, jabbing his finger at Rodney's laptop screen. "Right there. You can read the equation as well as I can."

And there it was, a big fat mistake. He'd forgotten to account for the energy lost when they transferred the power from the reactor to the superconductor. It was basic stuff. Elementary even. And he'd missed it.

"This is what happens when you work all night," Radek said.

That wasn't the problem, and Rodney suspected Radek knew that. There were rumors flying all over the place about PV4-927, but Radek was too smart to listen to rumors. He was also too smart not to have noticed that Rodney wasn't working at his usual genius level. Sitting on his stool, Rodney rubbed his eyes.

"Maybe you should take the afternoon off," Radek said.

Right, because what Rodney needed was more time alone. He nodded and Radek patted his back. Rodney radioed Woolsey and told him he was taking the afternoon off.

***

He thought about going for a walk but there wasn't anything in the explored areas of the city he hadn't seen a hundred times and he wasn't dumb enough to go into the unexplored areas by himself. In the end he went back to his quarters, stretched out on his bed and stared at his laptop. Wasting time was a whole lot harder without an internet connection.

Opening his games file, he hovered the mouse over the file for SimCity. He hadn't played it in years, not since he and John had found their game.

Their game,which hadn't been a game. There was probably a metaphor in there somewhere. Maybe if he emailed Jeannie, Kaleb could find it for him. His brother-in-law had to be useful for something.

Someone knocked. Great, just great.

"Rodney."

John. That was even better. "Come in," Rodney called.

The door slid open and for some reason Rodney found himself watching John's hips as John stepped inside.

Rodney pulled his eyes away.

"Everything all right? Radek said you were taking the afternoon off."

"Fine. Just tired from the other night."

John nodded once. Rodney saw it in his peripheral vision. "Listen, Rodney, Williams tells me you aren't being very cooperative."

"Williams is an idiot."

"We can't go back in the field until he clears us, all of us." Feeling John's eyes on him, Rodney looked up. "We don't make them happy, they could split us up."

What are you telling him? What do you want me to tell him? The questions never made it to his lips, neither did the dozen more he could feel twisting in his brain like some kind of Medusa head. Eyes on his laptop screen, he said, "Fine."

"Good. I'll let you get some sleep, then." John turned to go.

"John."

"Yeah?" John asked, shifting to look at him.

Do you think about me? Do you remember me? Can you feel my hands on you? Rodney shook his head. "Nothing."

"I'll see you later," John said, and Rodney thought maybe there was something in his voice, that maybe it was thicker than usual, but before he could decide John was gone.

Rolling onto his side, Rodney bent his knees and curled his hands into fists. John had kissed him. Rodney closed his eyes. John had kissed him like he was trying to confide in Rodney, share a secret or maybe just himself.

Rodney had put his arms around John and kissed back.

***

"You, Woolsey, Jennifer, you have it all wrong."

"We do," Williams said.

"Yes, yes, you do," Rodney said, getting up from his chair and walking over to the window. This was the third planet they'd lived on in Pegasus and the view never changed. It was always just water as far as the eye could see. Wasn't water supposed to be soothing? "You keep acting like we all fell on one another in a fit of lust. That's not what happened."

"What did happen?"

They'd made their way to the great big bed, stopping to kiss, to undo buttons and zippers. Ronon and Teyla were already naked. Teyla had been kneeling over Ronon and Rodney had watched her lean down to kiss him, watched her rock her hips to some unknown rhythm. They were so beautiful it had taken his breath away.

Then John had guided him down onto the bed.

"Dr. McKay," Williams said.

Rodney glared at him. "I'm not going to give you details."

"You don't have to. Just tell me this, if it wasn't lust, what was it?"

"Love," Rodney said, staring out at the endless water. "It was love."

***

Pouring himself a shot, Rodney tossed it back. Then he choked.

He wiped his mouth with his sleeve and poured a second one.

Love.

That's what he'd told Williams.

It's what he'd felt.

He'd touched John so slowly Antarctic glaciers were probably melting faster. But he'd had to, because this was John and he needed John to know how important he was, how much he mattered, and the best way to tell John anything was to show him. So Rodney had used his fingers and his lips to show him, pressing his lips to John's collarbone for a heartbeat, then two, moving his hand along John's side, across his stomach.

When John had touched him back, he'd arched into it, needing more. He hadn't had words for what he'd felt in John's touch. It hadn't mattered; the touch itself had been enough.

Maybe he was wrong. Maybe the drug hadn't simply taken away their excuses. Maybe the drug had created the feelings. Maybe--

Rodney drank the second shot, closing his eyes as it burned its way to his stomach.

He loved John. He'd known he loved John. After all they'd been through together, there wasn't any way he couldn't love John.

He just hadn't known he could love John, not like that, not with his hands and his mouth and his cock.

Rodney poured himself another drink.

He'd had lots of drinks while sitting on this pier, but he'd never been alone, not before tonight. The way things were going, maybe drinking alone was something he should get used to.

***

Alcohol made bad ideas seem like really good ones. Rodney knew this. With or without alcohol, confronting John was a bad idea.

In his head, Rodney knocked on John's door, went inside, asked.

In the real world, Rodney forced himself to keep going, to stumble past John's quarters to his own. He put his hand under the chime and the door slid open. Rodney moved his hand toward the switch but the light was already on.

Jennifer was sitting on his bed.

Rodney frowned. "Jennifer?"

"Have you been drinking?" she asked, standing.

Pulling himself up to his full height, Rodney said, "Yes. Yes, I have."

"Did it help?"

Frowning, Rodney tried to decide if it had helped. Everything was kind of blurred around the edges. Was that good? "Not sure."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Rodney shook his head. Jennifer was the last person he could talk to about this. "No. No, I can't. It's private. Personal."

Jennifer didn't say anything, but she looked odd, kind of pinched. Rodney stumbled toward her. She was so pretty. Pretty and blond and smart, everything he'd ever wanted. "You can't always get what you want," Mick Jagger sang in his head and Rodney gave him a mental finger because he had gotten what he wanted.

Catching his arm, Jennifer guided him toward the bed. "You should get some rest."

Rest was a good idea, especially when the world was starting to turn. Maybe John was going to fly the city again. "We aren't taking off, are we?" If they were, Rodney should be in the chair room with John.

"No. Sit," Jennifer said.

Rodney sat.

Jennifer went into the bathroom and Rodney started to hum. Maybe she'd come out in that skimpy black nightgown. He liked the skimpy black nightgown.

She came out of the bathroom still in her uniform and handed him two pills and a cup of water. "Take these."

Rodney took them. Being with a doctor was no fun, even if she did own a stethoscope.

"Lay down."

Settling onto his side on the bed, Rodney closed his eyes and hummed some more.

"Here," Jennifer said and Rodney opened his eyes. She was leaning over him. "If you need to throw up there's a bucket right here."

Rodney looked down. There was his wastebasket. "I don't get sick."

"Good for you." Her face got all soft and Jennifer slid her fingers through his hair. "Sleep it off, Rodney. Things'll look better in the morning."

He was pretty sure that wasn't true. "All right," Rodney said and closed his eyes.

***

"Oh, God," Rodney muttered, forcing his eyes open only to close them again. There was a reason he rarely had more than a couple of beers and this was it. Alcohol. He could feel it in every cell in his body. And there was that taste in his mouth. He needed to brush his teeth and drink some water. Maybe take a bottle of ibuprofen.

Pushing himself from the bed, he made his way into the bathroom.

He relieved himself then washed his hands and picked up his toothbrush. At least the drug on PV4-927 hadn't caused a hangover. There it was just 'come on in, have a little sex, go away and try to pick up the pieces of your life.'

Have a little sex.

Of course. It was just like an Ancient to use sex as a diversion. Damned arrogant bastards.

***

"Okay, Dr. McKay, why don't you tell us why you asked for this meeting," Woolsey said.

He could feel the weight of his team's attention, but Rodney kept his eyes on Woolsey. "I think the Ancients were hiding something on PV4-927. The drug was a distraction meant to keep us from finding it."

"What do you were think they were hiding?" Woolsey asked.

"If I knew, that would mean we'd found it, which we didn't," Rodney said, not bothering to keep his opinion of Woolsey's question from his voice.

"I thought they were experimenting on human emotion," Teyla said and John nodded.

"Well, yes, that's what we assumed, but we haven't found any proof of that. There's virtually nothing in the Ancient database about the lab, other than its existence."

"Which isn't proof of anything," John said.

"No," Rodney agreed. "But what better way to keep anyone from finding their experiments?"

"Unless the sex was the experiment," Ronon said.

"We won't know until we look at their records."

"What are you proposing?" Woolsey asked.

"I think we should go back," Rodney said. John had already started to shake his head and Rodney added, "We'll wear gas masks. There shouldn't be any repeat of before."

"You don't know for certain the drug was in the air," John said.

"It's the most likely explanation. We didn't eat anything. We weren't injected with anything."

"Maybe it was absorbed through the skin," John said.

"Fine. The rest of you can wait outside. I'll go in alone."

"No," John said. "Ronon and Teyla will wait outside. We'll go in."

Rodney nodded.

"We'll leave in an hour," John said, looking at Woolsey for confirmation.

"All right, but if you haven't checked in within an hour, I'm sending someone after you," Woolsey said, rising to his feet.

Rodney rose as well. "We won't need anyone to come after us." He had no intention of ending up naked this time.

***

"Be careful," Teyla said.

John nodded. "We'll radio you every 15 minutes."

"And if you don't?" Ronon asked.

"Come in and pull us out."

"We're not going to need to be pulled out," Rodney said, putting the gas mask over his face. He started toward the entrance to the lab, carefully concealed in the rock of the mountainside. "You coming?"

"Yes dear," John said, lowering his own mask and following.

The lab was exactly as it had been before, low lighting, big bed, computer console tucked into a corner. Moving to the console, Rodney plugged in his tablet and turned on the system. While it was booting, he looked around the room. John was as far from both Rodney and the bed as he could get, checking out what looked like a blank wall on the other side of the room. "Think there are any other rooms?" John asked.

"No doors."

"The entrance was concealed and they must've had storage facilities for food at least."

John had a point. "But why hide internal doors?"

"In case someone made it past the outer door."

Rodney frowned. That wasn't the kind of thing the Ancients did. Tricking people into having sex, that was the kind of thing the Ancients did. His tablet beeped and Rodney looked down. The Ancient directory was laid out in front of him. "I'm in."

The files were a jumble, which also seemed to be typical of the Ancients. How such an advanced race had failed to master the basics of filing he'd never understand. Spotting a large text file, he opened it, skimming as the text appeared.

"Anything?" John asked from much closer than he'd been a few minutes ago.

"Give me a minute," Rodney said, holding up his free hand with the palm toward John. "I don't read Ancient as quickly as English."

John didn't answer, but Rodney could feel the impatience radiating off of him.

Eyes moving down the page, Rodney huffed as a single word practically leaped off the page at him.

"What?" John asked, moving closer, but not so close that he was in Rodney's space.

Rodney raised his gaze to John's. "Ascension. Those bastards were studying ascension." He should've guessed. It wasn't as if they'd bothered studying anything else at the end.

Face scrunching in his own peculiar version of a frown, John said, "They were using sex to keep people from their ascension research?"

"No," Rodney said. "They were using sex to ascend."

***

"It makes sense," Jennifer said, looking around the meeting table. "Sex is considered sacred in a number of Earth cultures."

"But why the drugs?" Teyla asked.

"According to the files, Heritha, the head scientist," Rodney put the word in finger quotes, "believed that by eliminating the obstacles to experiencing what she called the higher emotions, they could ascend in a more pure form."

"Obstacles?" Woolsey asked.

Silence filled the room for a long moment before John spoke. "Fear, self-doubt, anxiety..." he said quietly. Like Rodney, he was keeping his eyes focused on the wall behind Woolsey.

"So that was what this drug did? It removed your doubts so you could experience your higher emotions?" Woolsey asked.

Did the man have to have everything spelled out for him, Rodney thought.

"Yes," Teyla said, sparing Rodney from having to answer. "It allowed us to express our," she paused, glancing around the table at her teammates, "caring for one another."

With an aphrodisiac thrown in in case they missed they point.

"Well," Woolsey said, looking almost as uncomfortable as Rodney felt. "Thank you for resolving this, Dr. McKay. I don't see any need to keep your team grounded any longer. Dr. Keller, will you update your medical report with this additional information?"

Jennifer nodded.

"In that case, you're all dismissed."

Rising to his feet, Rodney started for the door. He was dimly aware of the others getting up behind him, but he had places to be.

***

The auxiliary lab in the west tower wasn't all that well equipped, but it was quiet, and it was the one place where no one bothered him. All he needed to work on the simulation was his laptop anyway.

He'd been going through the code piece by piece. He hadn't found any more errors, but it was possible he'd missed something.

Sighing, Rodney rubbed at his eyes. He'd been right. He liked being right. Okay, he'd been wrong about the Ancients using sex to divert people from their real experiments, but he'd been right about the drug's effects.

He should be feeling good, pleased with his success, because he'd correctly deduced that the crazy Ancient drug had been designed to allow them to experience the full depth of their feelings for one another without anything getting in the way. If he and John had had more time, maybe they'd have succeeded, ascended together mid-orgasm. Would they have been connected, ascended beings then? That might've been cool, exploring the universe together without any limits on where they could go, what they could see.

Maybe he'd have been able to feel when John was amused, instead of having to listen to that laugh. Or happy, maybe he'd have been able to feel it when John was happy.

Or lonely. Maybe he'd have known how to comfort John then. John was pretty good at figuring out when Rodney was upset and making him feel better, but Rodney wasn't so good at returning the favor. He could tell when John was upset, but he never knew what to do about it. The only solution he'd found was to drag John off for a beer or a round of video golf until he seemed better.

After John's father had died, he'd asked John to help him with his golf swing. Not that he had a golf swing. They'd gone to the pier and John had told him stories of golfing with his father and brother while trying in vain to correct Rodney's slice.

John had stood behind him, placed his hands over Rodney's on the club. The man was like a furnace, so warm he'd made Rodney flush.

Rodney closed his eyes against the memory of John standing behind him, chuckling in his ear at Rodney's grumbling, guiding Rodney's arms back...

The door slid open and Rodney jumped at the sound, eyes opening.

"Rodney," John said.

"What?"

"Did you work through dinner?" John asked, his eyes going to the pile of power bar wrappers next to the laptop.

"Apparently," Rodney said.

Lips tightening, John nodded.

"Were you running?" Rodney asked.

John looked down at his sweats and t-shirt as though he'd forgotten he was wearing them. "It helps clear my head." Squaring his shoulders, John lifted his gaze to Rodney's. "There are regs."

"I know."

"And you have Keller."

"I know," Rodney said. It wasn't as if he was going to forget.

"We just need to put it behind us."

"Right."

"Nothing has to change."

"Of course not."

"Good," John said with a nod. "I'll see you in the morning." He turned to go. Rodney didn't bother to say good-bye.

The door slid shut and Rodney pulled in deep breath, trying to counteract that sucking, 'punched in the gut' feeling hollowing out his insides.

John was right. There were regs, which just went to show how backward the Americans were, and he did have Jennifer. He'd once nearly gotten both he and John killed while blowing up five-sixths of a solar system and their friendship had survived. They could survive this.

But he should talk to Jennifer. She was probably confused or hurt or both. They'd work it out and everything would go back to the way it had been before PV4-927.

***

"Hey," Jennifer said, stepping back to let him in to her quarters. Her voice was quiet and she didn't meet his eyes or reach out to hug him like she usually did.

"Are we okay?" He hadn't meant to say that, but with all the weirdness he couldn't stop himself.

"You tell me."

"What? Of course we're okay. Why wouldn't we be?"

"It must've been intense," Jennifer said, lifting her gaze to his.

Intense. That was one word for it. Having no idea what to say, he nodded.

"That's what I thought. No doubt, no hesitations, just the caring."

"Yeah," Rodney said, turning away from her and going to sit on the edge of the bed.

"You love them."

"They're my team," Rodney said. "I know it's hard to understand. I didn't get it myself until I was on one, but being on a gate team, it's like friendship on steroids. It's not just that you spend a lot of time together. It's that you spend that time going into situations where the only thing you have to count on is one another. It makes you close, trusting."

"I get that, theoretically anyway," Jennifer said, sitting beside him. "It must be weird, seeing them now, after you've--"

He'd lain on his side, John close behind him, the two of them watching as Ronon used his lips and tongue, and probably his beard for all Rodney knew, to make Teyla arch and moan. Seeing Teyla, who was always so self-contained, caught up in pleasure, had been one of the most erotic things he'd ever witnessed.

Rodney had reached out, cupped Teyla's breast in his hand, leaned in to kiss her softly. John had given Rodney's cock a light, approving stroke.

Weird couldn't even begin to describe it. He knew things about his team he'd never expected to know. And they knew things about him. Knew he'd gone down on John, sucked him long and slow, dragging it out, trying to give John as much pleasure as he could while Teyla and Ronon took turns kissing and touching John. Knew that when John had come, it had been Rodney he'd reached for.

"Yeah," Rodney said, "it's weird."

"You'll get through it though. You always do, right?"

Rodney hadn't come here to talk about the team. "Will we get through it? You and me?"

Jennifer looked at him for a long moment. "I think so. I'm not going to lie to you. It hurts, thinking of you with them, but it wasn't like you asked for this to happen."

"No, I really didn't."

Slipping her hand into his, Jennifer squeezed it. "It'll take some time, but I think we'll be fine."

"Good. That's good. You have no idea how--"

"Rodney," Jennifer said, cutting him off. Stretching up, she kissed him, brief and easy. "Relax, okay."

Rodney nodded.

"Come on," she said, standing. "I could use a walk before bed."

They walked along the pier and Jennifer told him about her day. Rodney listened and nodded and made pointed comments in just the right places. Then she walked him to his room and kissed him good-night.

Rodney lay awake for a long time, staring at the ceiling, trying for what might be the first time in his life not to think.

***

The team went on their first mission post-PV4-927 two days later. It was strictly routine, a trading mission to PN8-335.

It was mid-summer there, hot and muggy.

Ronon was quiet, which was normal. He was usually quiet whenever they were on an alien planet, something about wanting to hear them coming. If they came, which they weren't going to on PN8-335.

Teyla was quiet, too, but that wasn't unusual.

It was he and John who were being weird.

Long walk in hot weather, Rodney should've bitched, which should've gotten a sarcastic response from John. But somehow Rodney just couldn't bring himself to complain, and without a reason to be sarcastic, John was quiet, too.

They came back with some plants the botanists wanted and enough tava beans to last six months.

Rodney showered off the sweat from the walk and headed for the mess hall.

John was sitting with Radek and a couple of the other scientists in the center of the mess. Rodney grabbed a tray and took a seat with Jennifer and her staff.

***

Jennifer slid downward, encasing him. She was so wet inside, soft and welcoming. Closing his eyes, Rodney tried to focus on the sensation, on the pleasure her body was giving his.

In his mind's eye, Teyla moved over Ronon, his big hands on her hips as the two of them rocked together.

Rodney pushed the image away and opened his eyes. Cupping one of Jennifer's breasts in his hand, he rubbed the nipple with his thumb. Her breasts fit his hands perfectly, and she was so responsive it was amazing. He'd once made her come just from playing with them.

Jennifer tightened around him, her back arching as she came.

As good as it felt, Rodney wasn't anywhere near coming. and he wondered if maybe he could just fake it. He stayed hard sometimes, afterwards, so she wouldn't have to know.

But then Jennifer leaned down, changing the angle. Taking hold of her hips, he began moving with her. Rodney concentrated on his cock, on the pure sensation of slick softness sliding over and around him.

He came silently, with his eyes pressed shut.

***

As soon as Rodney entered the mess, he felt John glance in his direction and then away. Sighing, he picked up a tray, a bottle of water and a sandwich and headed for the table where John was sitting with Lorne.

"Mind if I join you?" he asked, sitting down before either of them could answer.

"Not at all," John said, while Lorne glanced between them.

"Good." Picking up his sandwich, Rodney began pulling off the plastic wrap.

"How are things in the lab?" Lorne asked.

"Same as always," Rodney said and took a bite.

"Never ask McKay a question when he's hungry," John said and Rodney nodded. Asking him a question when he was an hour late getting to lunch was just asking for bad table manners.

"I'll remember that," Lorne said, looking between them again.

It looked like the rumors about PV4-927 hadn't died down yet. It had been almost three weeks, you'd think something would've happened by now to replace the team on the gossip mill.

"I've got to get going," Lorne said, standing. He nodded at John. "Colonel." Then Rodney. "McKay."

Rodney waved him off with the hand not clutching a sandwich, while John said, "See ya."

As soon as Lorne was out of range, Rodney put down his sandwich. "We should play chess later." John just looked at him and Rodney added, "You saw how he was. Clearly, people think there's something going on and they'll keep thinking that as long as we aren't acting normal."

Cocking an eyebrow, John said, "Normal?"

"Yes, normal. Hanging out. Doing things together. Like friends."

"We haven't been normal for a while now."

Of course they had. They'd-- Rodney frowned. They hadn't. He couldn't remember the last time they'd played chess or golf or watched a movie. He'd been so busy with Jennifer that he hadn't had a lot of time for John. "Then all the more reason to get back to it."

"Fine. I'll play chess with you after dinner. Here."

"Great, great. That's great," Rodney said.

John just looked at him. Rodney looked at his sandwich.

***

John moved his rook. One more move and he'd have Rodney in check, and Rodney would have to protect his king, giving up his own bishop in the process. It'd have been a good plan, if it hadn't left John's bishop open to Rodney's queen.

Picking up John's bishop, Rodney replaced it with his queen.

John pursed his lips but he didn't say a word.

He'd been like that the whole game, sloppy and quiet. Usually John rested his head in his hands, looked ostentatiously at his watch in the middle of Rodney's turn, and generally tried to be annoying. It never worked, of course; Rodney was above being annoyed into making a mistake.

His left hand opened and closed as he watched John lean back in his chair and study the board. His body language said 'relaxed,' but Rodney knew him well enough to be able to tell his genuinely relaxed slouch from his pretend slouch. Although why John would be in his pretend slouch, Rodney had no idea, unless John was as tense as he was, which would explain the mistake with the bishop.

Of course John was as tense as he was. This was their first social activity since their naked social activity.

John moved his rook into the path of Rodney's knight. Recognizing it for the diversion it was, Rodney slid his bishop down the board. "Checkmate."

A quick scan of the board and John looked up at Rodney, smiled. "Good game."

It hadn't been a good game at all. Rodney had played better in high school, and he suspected John had, too. "Go again?"

John shook his head and stood. "No, I've got stuff to do. This was good though. We should do it again." John turned away as soon as he finished speaking, heading for the door.

Frowning, Rodney watched him leave, then began picking up the pieces. He had them almost all packed away when he realized they'd been playing with John's set.

***

John answered the door of his quarters with his finger stuck in the center of the book in his hand, keeping his page. Clearly, he'd had a lot of stuff to do.

Rodney held up the set and John took it with his free hand. Stepping into the room, Rodney waited for the door to close behind him. "We're never going to be normal, are we?"

"Give it time," John said, putting the set on his desk and the book on top of it.

"Time heals all wounds," Rodney said. "Except I'm not wounded." John's eyes narrowed and Rodney added, "You're not, are you?"

"No, Rodney, I'm not wounded."

"Good, that's good. I--" Rodney looked away from John at the Johnny Cash poster, which had been moved again. It was over his desk now. "Think about it," Rodney said, his eyes on the Man in Black.

"Hard not to," John said.

Rodney closed his eyes for a moment. At least he wasn't alone. "I wanted you to know that you mattered. When we were, you know."

"I know," John said in a voice so un-John like, so fragile, that Rodney had to look at him. John's expression was as fragile as his voice, and all Rodney could think about was the way John had reached for him, pulled Rodney into his arms, kissed him like he'd never get close enough.

"I swallowed," Rodney said. "Do you have any idea how salty that stuff is? What am I saying? Of course you do. You --" Returned the favor, Rodney thought. "Anyway, I didn't care. All I could think about was you, making you feel good, wanting you to feel good. It was the only way I had of showing you how I feel."

John dropped his gaze to the floor.

He'd said too much. He always did. "I should go," Rodney said, jerking his thumb in the direction of the door. "I'll see you later."

"Thanks for bringing the set back."

"You're welcome," Rodney answered then he stepped through the door, letting it slide shut behind him.

***

Opening his eyes, Rodney looked around his quarters. There was a man-shaped something near the window. And his gun was in his desk, where John had told him not to keep it.

"It's just me," John said, his voice disconnected from the figure at the window. "You were asleep. I didn't want to wake you."

Rodney glanced at his alarm clock. It was almost 3 a.m. "What's wrong?" Rodney asked, sitting up.

"Nothing. I just--" John stopped, then started again. "You were pretty brave earlier and I thought I should maybe tell you some stuff, too."

All traces of sleep vanished. "Okay."

"I disappoint the people who--" John hesitated. "Care about me. My parents, Nancy, more girlfriends than I want to admit, even friends. After a while it was easier to just not let them care."

Afraid he'd fail to live up to other people's expectations, he'd simply started keeping them at bay, which explained a great deal. John had more walls than anyone Rodney had ever met. He even had walls with Ronon and Teyla. "What about me?" Rodney asked. "How did I sneak in?"

"You didn't want a piece of me. You were just there."

Rodney had seen the avaricious way some people looked at John, like they wanted him for reasons that had nothing to do with who he was and everything to do with acquiring something pretty. "You were interesting," Rodney said. "Smart, able to see things from an angle no one else could, except me of course. Sometimes, much as it pains me to admit it, even I took a moment or two to catch on. Plus, you liked a lot of the things I like, yet you were nothing like me."

"You were curious," John said, sounding strangely proud.

"Huh," Rodney said, mulling that over. He was curious about a lot of things, but he was rarely curious about people. "I guess I was." Leaning forward, Rodney tried to get a clearer look at John. "So you let me in because I was curious."

"And I liked you." Leaving the window, John sat on the edge of Rodney's bed. Rodney could almost see his face in the light coming through the window. "When we were in that lab, I wanted to give you everything, every part of myself, not hold anything back."

"No fear," Rodney whispered.

"Yeah. I thought you should know. You deserve to know."

Rodney had known, even if he hadn't had words for it, he'd felt it in John's touch and John's kiss. He should say something, but he had no idea what.

"I should go," John said, rising to his feet.

Rodney watched as he walked around the bed toward the door. "John," Rodney said, just before the door slid open. "Can we be friends again?"

"We'll always be friends," John said. Then the door slid open and John was gone.

Pulling the blankets up to his shoulders, Rodney lay back in his bed and smiled up into the darkness. For the first time, it felt like he and John were going to be okay.

***

DVD case dangling from his fingers, John moved it in a small arc in front of Rodney's face, right between Rodney and the laptop screen he was trying to see.

He opened his mouth to complain, but eyes focusing on the title, he grabbed the case instead. "How did you get this so fast?"

"I have my ways," John said.

The military had ways, much to Rodney's annoyance. His people were smart, but not even Radek, with his experience living in a Soviet bloc country, could match the military's black market. "When can we watch it?"

"Tonight."

Rodney glanced at the clock in the corner of his computer screen. It was 1545. He could make it a couple more hours. Maybe. "Eighteen hundred. Your quarters. I'll bring dinner."

"You're on," John said and plucked the case from Rodney's hand. "See you then."

John headed for the lab door and Rodney watched him go, wondering how he'd managed to get it so fast.

***

The door to John's quarters slid open and Rodney bustled inside, arms full of sandwiches, chips and a couple of salads in plastic containers.

"I thought they were serving beef stew," John said, taking a sandwich and salad from the pile.

"You don't like the little onions."

"I can eat around them."

"You like sandwiches better, so stop complaining," Rodney said moving past John and looking for the laptop.

"I wasn't complaining," John answered, turning to follow him.

The laptop was sitting in the middle of John's bed and Rodney sat down, dropping the food in front of him. "Come on. "'The End of Time' waits for no man."

Sitting next to him, John leaned forward to click play.

The TARDIS appeared on the screen and Rodney settled in to watch, leaning against the wall behind him, John's shoulder resting against his.

***

"How was your movie?" Teyla asked, picking up her coffee.

Unable to answer with a mouth full of pancake, Rodney looked at John, who was sitting across from Rodney and next to Teyla. it felt good to be having breakfast with the team, well, three-quarters of the team, again.

"It was good. The Master and the Doctor are totally doing it."

"What?" Rodney sputtered, raising his fork in protest, piece of pancake and all. "They are not doing it."

"Rodney, the Doctor wondered who he'd be without the Master."

"Which doesn't mean they had sex."

"What about that whole 'I'll step in front of you and die,' 'no, you duck' thing?"

We do that, Rodney thought. "The Master wasn't offering to die in the Doctor's place. He just wanted to get even with Rasillon."

"They were at school together."

"Lots of people go to school together."

"Yeah, well, they weren't written by Englishmen."

"I don't understand," Teyla said, looking between them. "What does school have to do with it?"

"Many of the English, especially the upper classes, sent their teenagers to male only or female only schools," Rodney said. "Some famous men had affairs while they were at school. Which doesn't mean everyone who went to an English public school had a wild homosexual affair," Rodney added, looking directly at John, who simply smirked. "Besides which, the Doctor isn't English. He's from Gallifrey."

"Which was invented by the English," John said, pointing at Rodney with the sausage on the end of his fork before taking a bite.

"Fine, yes, the show is written by Englishmen and the Doctor and the Master clearly had a torrid affair in their youth," Rodney said, knowing a losing battle when he was in one. John grinned, and Rodney added, "Which ended badly and has not been continued since."

"How can you be so sure?" John asked.

"Because I am not going to think about John Pertwee naked. Ever." Or any of the previous doctors, except Eccleston. Maybe.

"What about Tennant?"

Rodney opened his mouth, intending to say that Tennant was too skinny. John was skinny, sort of. "Tennant's okay."

John smiled. There was something knowing in it. Instead of scowling, Rodney smiled back.

***

Oterra rested her hand on John's arm, leaned close to say something in John's ear. He nodded.

Rodney liked the residents of PF2-443. Their technology had actually made it to the level of steam engines and they believed in welcoming potential trading partners with food and wine, and they served dinner inside, in a long hall decorated with brightly colored tapestries. John was sitting with their version of a president, a lovely woman about Rodney's age with long dark hair and almond-shaped eyes. Rodney was a couple of tables away with a group of engineers, if you could call people who were still trying to figure out the telegraph engineers.

Turning toward her, John said something in answer.

He looked friendly and attentive, but Rodney knew it was an act. The look of interest on his face was a dead giveaway. When John was really interested in something, he didn't look anything like that. When something caught John's interest, sparked his curiosity, he would come alive somehow. It was one of the things about John that Rodney understood, not that he always got the things John found interesting. Russian novels were more like torment than a fun afternoon read in Rodney's opinion.

John smiled.

He'd never smiled at Rodney the way he was smiling at Oterra, for which Rodney was grateful. He wondered if John had learned that smile at his father's cocktails parties or if it was something he'd picked up in the military -- that smooth social blandness. Rodney suspected it was the former, although he was pretty sure the Air Force was where John had honed his ability to hide the most interesting parts of himself.

"Dr. McKay."

Rodney turned toward the man on his right.

"If you do not like the gnutero, we can get you something else."

"No, no, it's fine," Rodney said, turning his attention to the roasted meat on his plate.

***

"Rodney," Jennifer called and Rodney stopped, waiting for her to catch up. "How was the mission?"

"Good, good, it was good." One of the biologists was coming down the hall and Rodney edged toward the wall to let her pass.

"How about a celebration dinner? My quarters. Seven o'clock?"

"Sure," Rodney said, swallowing. "That'd be good."

"I've barely seen you this week."

"Sorry. There were missions and--"

"You were busy with Colonel Sheppard. You don't have to apologize for having friends, Rodney."

"No, no, of course not."

Smiling, she rose up onto her toes and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Don't be late."

"I won't."

She headed back down the hall, and Rodney turned toward his lab. He and Jennifer hadn't had dinner alone together in a couple of weeks at least. It'd be good to see her, spend some time together.

He'd gone from spending almost all of his free time with Jennifer to spending nearly all of it with John. He needed to find some balance. Balance was definitely what he needed.

***

"So," Jennifer said, putting her wine glass down on the table. "What have you and the colonel been up to?" She'd turned the lights down and placed a lit candle in the center of the table, but she was still wearing her uniform.

Rodney shrugged. "We watched Dr. Who, played some chess, some video games, the usual."

"I'm glad you're spending time together again. I was worried after PV4-927."

"We're good," Rodney said, emptying his own wine glass in one gulp.

"How was the Doctor?"

"It was quite good, although I think Russell T. Davies has been watching too much Heroes."

"He's the writer, right?" Jennifer asked.

Nodding, Rodney said, "He had the Master making these huge jumps, almost like he was flying. He's not Nathan Petrelli." At Jennifer's blank look, he added, "He's the guy who flies on Heroes."

"Good looking younger brother?"

"That's him."

"I remember," Jennifer said. Her gaze met his.

Picking up the wine, Rodney began refilling his glass. "John thinks the Master and the Doctor were doing it or did it or something." Inside, Rodney kicked himself, but he wasn't good with quiet and they'd already talked about the lab, the infirmary and the mission to PF2-443. He and Jennifer had never had trouble finding things to talk about before.

Jennifer was watching him closely and Rodney found himself starting to squirm. "Maybe they were," she said.

"Maybe." Standing, Rodney picked up his dinner plate and placed it on the tray from the mess. "We should clean up. You now how the sergeant gets when you return dishes after they've finished clean up."

"Remember when she made us wash them?" Jennifer asked, standing herself.

"I still don't understand how come we ended up doing the pots. We didn't dirty the pots." Sgt. Willard had claimed there was some military tradition requiring the last person done to do the pots and pans. When Rodney'd asked him about it, John had laughed so hard he'd ended up clutching his sides.

***

Narrowing his gaze, Rodney stared at the numbers filling his laptop screen. The results from the simulation were looking good. If this kept up, he'd have his engineers start work on converting the power conduits for the secondary systems in a couple of days.

He'd run away from Jennifer and hit on a good idea. There was probably a metaphor in there, too. Rodney frowned. He didn't want this to be a metaphor. Jennifer was good for him. She was understanding, but she didn't cut him more slack than he deserved. He was happy with her. He was. They were just going through a rough patch. A little stilted conversation, some not-so-great sex, those things happened in relationships. Or so Rodney had been told.

The simulation had a couple of hours left to run and he had a date to play video golf. Pushing himself away from his lab bench, he headed for John's quarters.

When Rodney passed his hand under the chime, John yelled for him to come in.

John was already seated at his desk, laptop open, hand on the mouse.

"You started without me," Rodney said, crossing the room to look over John's shoulder.

John's shot landed on the green within easy putting distance of the hole. "You're late."

"By five minutes."

"Stop griping and pull up a chair."

Rodney pulled up a chair.

John putted the ball into the hole and Rodney reached for the mouse. He sliced.

"It's amazing how your real life swing and your video swing can be so much alike," John said with a teasing grin.

Rodney ignored him and took another swing. This time the ball landed comfortably on the green. John still won the hole.

John took the mouse, eyes narrowing as he set up his swing. John was funny-looking when he was concentrating. He'd curl in his lower lip, sometimes he'd twist his whole mouth, or do that weird villain-of-the-week thing with his eyebrows.

Jennifer was pretty no matter what she was doing. It wasn't her fault Rodney hadn't wanted to do anything more than bring her off last night. But really, giving your partner pleasure was what sex was all about.

Besides, he'd been tired. Missions were tiring, even when all they did was eat and talk. They'd still had to walk to the village and back.

The ball dropped in the hole and Rodney took over the mouse. He sliced again.

Unsurprisingly, he lost the second hole, too, and the sixteen that followed.

"Want to play again or are you ready for dinner?" John asked, smiling his victory smile.

"You were married," Rodney said.

Looking a little wary, John said, "Yeah."

"Relationships, they go through ups and downs, right?"

"Sure."

Getting up from his chair, Rodney walked over to John's bed then turned back around. "That's what I thought."

Eyes shifting away from Rodney, John said, "I'm sure whatever's going on, you and Keller will work it out."

"I don't want to have sex with her."

That got John's attention. He looked up at Rodney, their gazes meeting.

"I care about her. I do. But I have to force myself to touch her. She's beautiful. I shouldn't have to force myself to touch a beautiful woman."

"Rodney," John said. There was a note in his voice that said Rodney was crossing into forbidden territory.

"I don't even know if I feel guilty because of --" He waved his hand back and forth between them. "Or if I'm cheating on you by being with her, which is crazy because you and I, we aren't together. I loved you for a long time, but that was friendship and I don't know where the line is anymore. I think about you, not like fantasies, although I do that, too. But think. I turn you over in my mind, wonder about the things that made you who you are, ponder all your crazy contradictions. I think about how to take care of you. How to make you feel better when you're down. And I'm still kind of mad at myself for getting so caught up in Jennifer that I kind of abandoned you for a few weeks. I--"

"Rodney," John said, standing.

"I don't know what to do."

With two steps John was within arm's reach. "I don't know either," he said, voice quiet. That weird fragility was back, and Rodney hated that. Hated that he made John fragile.

Needing to reassure, Rodney reached out, rested his hand on the side of John's neck, stroked John's jaw with his thumb. "How did we go so long and not see this?"

"I did."

Rodney was going to ask when, but John must've seen the question in his face, because he kept talking.

"When you had that thing in your brain. You were slipping away piece by piece and all I could do was watch, knowing eventually we were going to lose you completely. I couldn't say good-bye, because life without you wasn't something I could think about. I just couldn't."

The remembered pain in John's face was enough to make his throat ache, and Rodney was glad he couldn't remember what that time had been like. "I'm sorry," Rodney whispered, even though he hadn't done anything to be sorry for.

John nodded once, then his arms were around Rodney, and Rodney's were tight around John. Closing his eyes, he held on, focusing on the feel of John against him, lean and strong and alive. That might change tomorrow, but right now they were both here and Rodney wasn't going to let go.

Still holding on, Rodney said, "I have to break up with Jennifer. This isn't fair to her."

John loosened his hold a little. "No."

"The regs. We don't have to-- What I mean is: this is enough."

Pulling back far enough that Rodney could see his face, John said, "There are ways around the regs, if that's what you want."

"I do. I'm pretty sure I do. We can talk about it later."

"Sure," John said, letting go completely.

"I do want to. What I said, earlier, about fantasies, that was completely true, not that I'd lie about something like that."

John smiled. It was slow and gentle, and Rodney had never seen him smile at anyone like that, except maybe Torren and babies didn't count. "I've imagined some stuff, too."

"Really? Like what? Wait, no. We should talk about this later." Rodney took a step back, putting some distance between them because if he didn't he might never leave this room. "I've never been the one to end it before."

"It sucks."

"I don't want to hurt her," Rodney said.

"Me either."

"But we're going to," Rodney said,

John squeezed his arm. "Yeah."

Pulling in a breath, Rodney said, "I'll be back in a while."

"I'll be here."

"I know."

***

Jennifer was in her quarters, toweling off her hair when Rodney knocked. She liked to shower after work and before dinner, something about getting rid of the medicinal smell.

"I'll be ready for dinner in a minute," she said, going back into the bathroom.

Rodney didn't say anything.

She came back out a couple of minutes later. Hair combed, uniform on. "I hear there's roast turkey tonight." When Rodney didn't say anything, she frowned and took a step closer. "Rodney?"

"Can we talk?" Rodney winced. He couldn't believe he'd said that.

"This isn't good, is it?" Jennifer asked, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"No." He looked down at the floor, sucked in as much air as he could, and raised his gaze to Jenn's. "I don't think we should see each other anymore."

"I know things have been strange since PV4-927," Jennifer said, taking a step toward him, one hand outstretched. "If we give it time, I think it can get better."

Rodney shook his head. "I'm sorry. I don't think it will. I think it'll just get worse."

"But things were good, right?" Jennifer asked, dropping her hand.

"They were." Rodney took a step toward her. "But that was before I realized I have feelings for someone else."

Jennifer turned away. "Colonel Sheppard."

"Yes."

"And you didn't figure it out until now." Her voice was sharp and Rodney could hear the hurt in it.

"I'm not really good with emotional stuff."

"I noticed," Jennifer said. Her back was too him, but he could still see her raise her hand to wipe at her eyes. "You love him."

"I didn't mean to."

Jennifer let out a soft huff of breath that might have been a laugh if things had been different, if they hadn't been breaking up. "No one ever does. You can't love someone just because you think you should."

Rodney nodded. "I know. I tried that with Katie. But not you. I really do care about you." Not that he hadn't cared about Katie, but it had been distant, almost abstract. Jennifer wasn't like that. Lifting a hand he squeezed her shoulder.

"Just not the way you care about him," Jennifer said, shifting away from his touch.

There wasn't anything Rodney could say, not anything that would help.

"Could you go now, please?" Jennifer said without turning around.

Rodney opened his mouth. He should be able to say something or do something, make this easier.

"Rodney, please."

He left.

***

"You didn't come back," John said from the doorway.

"It felt wrong," Rodney answered, looking back out his window. He'd been staring out at the stars for what felt like hours, trying to make sense of the human heart, his heart, any of it. "Do you think it's possible to love someone so much you ascend with them?"

"I thought you weren't interested in ascension," John said, crossing the room to Rodney's side.

"Exploring the galaxy together could be fun."

"We do that now."

"If we were ascended, we wouldn't have to worry about being shot or eaten."

"Or getting an arrow in the ass."

"Exactly," Rodney said.

John didn't answer.

"Hurting people you care about sucks."

John looked at him, gaze steady, but there was hurt there, for Rodney, who was hurting because he'd hurt Jennifer. John had said he'd wanted to give Rodney all of himself. Rodney wondered if he had any idea how much he'd already given.

Edging closer, John slipped an arm around Rodney's shoulders and Rodney turned into the embrace. "Do you think it's a choice? That we choose who we love?" Rodney asked.

John pressed closer, resting his cheek against Rodney's hair. "Does it matter?"

Slipping his arms around John's waist, Rodney closed his eyes. "Yes." He could accept that there was a certain amount of randomness in the universe. That maybe life had begun by chance, but this wasn't random. He chose this. This man. This emotion. Even though it hurt. He could've turned away from it. Could've squelched it, never looked closer, never tried to get closer. But he hadn't. He'd chosen to spend time with John. To risk his life with John. For John.

Loving John was the result of that choice, of dozens of choices big and small that he'd made over the last six years.

"I chose," Rodney said, hoping John understood because he didn't think he'd be able to explain it, at least not tonight.

"Me, too, Rodney. Me too."

Later there'd be time to explore the ways they could be together, along with laughter and teasing, and the stuff they already did. Given where they lived and what they did, there'd be grief and comfort both given and received. Knowing them, there'd be heated words and stony silences and forgiveness.

But all that was for later. For right now, John was in his arms and that was enough.


End file.
